Recently I entered into a debate with one of my prized sparring partners in which we questioned if we’d allow a mate to co-parent a child that is not biologically his/hers. My sparring partner said her answer would depend on the motivation of the parent. Is involving the mate a ploy to win him or her back or are the adults genuine friends and the mate is the only man/woman in the child’s life other than the parent? She said she would consider the latter circumstance. Now my sparring partner comes from a non-traditional co-parenting situation that couldn’t be better if Sherwood Schwartz wrote it himself. Her parents divorced re-married and both stepparents treated her as if she were theirs. Even after her dad’s second marriage dissolved, her first stepmother continued and continues to be a major integral in her life.
It really is something to think about, if one is willing to volunteer [himself] to include another being intrinsically into their lives especially when it is a situation one can avoid by exiting the relationship or because biologically there is no obligation on the part of the mate.
I say no, if the child is not biological; recalling having been in a similar situation some fifteen years ago. I was dating a man for a few months when he revealed to me that he had been heavily involved with his ex-girlfriend’s son’s life for the two years he dated the mother. And although my mate had no intentions or desire to date the mother, he wanted to be involved with the son, because he liked and loved the son and cared that the mother had generously shared him with my mate. As warm-hearted as this sounded, I listened intently and swiftly issued an ultimatum that my mate choose between continuing to date me or to be involved in the boy’s life and navigate a possible expectation of relationship from and with the boy’s mother.
When I think of the situation I faced my stance sounds selfish. But would I change my answer today? For I had found a jewel, a man I liked would possibly love, with all of his teeth, educated, good credit, spiritual, heterosexual and a handsome guy who had not been married and here’s the kicker—drum roll please—no children! And now this man is asking me to share him with a child that is not his. I think not! Clearly I had come out of a troubled relationship surrounding children, no children, maybe but I thought far ahead. Would I want to enter this situation and was I in the heart and mindset to deal with what could be a number of unforeseen complications? I opted not, issued my ultimatum and held my breath. He chose me. We eventually married and have been for twelve years.
Again, when I think of it today it sounds selfish. I don’t know how that young man has turned out but I do know that my husband would have been a positive influence on his life. However, as selfish as my choice was, my choice would be the same today. I believed then and believe now, my then boyfriend maintaining a relationship with a child that is not biologically his posed a situation I didn’t have to deal with and didn’t want to. I’m not speaking of a step-parent situation. I am speaking of a situation where the agreement between two people is verbal and for the most part one-sided in terms of rights, influence and could be based on the biological parent’s mood. I wasn’t interested in having another woman dictate any terms in our household based on the fact that her son was a fixture. Now if my then boyfriend had chosen the boy, I would have been sad but I would have eventually realized that was not the situation, relationship or man for me.
This is Toni Staton Harris Checkin’ Up and Checkin’ In on Co-parenting, Traditional or Non-traditional; is it for you?
